The Secret Life of Darth Vader
A few years ago we wrote and drew a story for Star Wars Tales #16, in which two stormtroopers discover Darth Vader's diary. Well recently, we ran across the original plot synopsis which had been rejected on the grounds that it involved a lot of things Lucasfilm would rather Darth Vader not do. And now here it is, just for you!
We find Darth Vader, at home, alone and contemplative. He's lamenting over his recent lack of accomplishments. He hasn't conquered a single world in well over two weeks, and is feeling a bit antsy. Unaccustomed to such feelings, he tries talking to a storm trooper, explaining his plight, and looking, perhaps, for a sympathetic ear. The trooper, made uneasy by Darth Vader's sudden and inexplicable gregariousness, recoils. Unsure of what to say so that he might quell his Lord's feelings, he stumbles and stutters, offering no helpful advice at all.
Vader, feeling angry and frustrated (and on a small, unconscious level, embarrassed), decides he'll head out to a bar. Surely he'll find somebody to talk to there. Entering the bar, all the patron's suddenly go silent, some in awe and others in scared confusion. Vader seats himself at the bar, after a storm trooper pushes a patron off a stool. Vader orders a drink, and quickly finds that without a straw, he is unable to drink it. Erecting his light saber, he severs one of the bartender's two heads. "Utter incompetence," he exclaims!
As the patrons slowly grow accustomed to Lord Vader's presence, they resume their conversations. Vader, seemingly no longer attracting any attention, finds this an opportune moment to try and pick up the woman sitting beside him. She rejects him outright, unaware of who he is. She mistakenly believes he's a Darth Vader impostor, and explains that her husband could kick the real Darth Vader's ass. Vader is quickly angered, and he's about to kill the woman when another woman, too drunk to care who he is, takes him up on his implied invitation to fornicate. They decide to head back to "his place."
We cut to Vader's bedroom, the couple lay under the covers naked, though Vader still wears his helmet. "It's no big deal, that happens to guys your age all the time," she says. "Get out," he breathes heavily. "Maybe it was the alcohol," she offers.
Cut to the storm trooper from before entering Vader's quarters as ordered. Vader explains there's a corpse which needs removing. The trooper replies with a thoughtful and understanding "...oh." At this point, utterly confused, and feeling quite low, Vader again strikes up a conversation with the storm trooper. The trooper suggests that perhaps Vader should try "the other side." Vader, and then, hesitantly the soldier, begin laughing. Similarly to the end of a Scooby-Doo cartoon, or any well written sitcom, we pan out.
Epilogue:
A storm trooper enters Vader's quarters, the scene looking exactly the same as the previous, only this time Vader explains there are two corpses he needs removed.
Monday, 8.13.07 | digg | stumbleupon | del.icio.us
